I just celebrated another birthday. Birthdays in your 40s hit different than in your 20s. While I am grateful for all God has done in and through my life, I still grieve all that has not happened in my life. Sometimes I think it would be easier if the things I wanted were materialistic…a bigger house, luxury car, unlimited travel budget. Not having those things don’t make me feel like I’m less than. The relationships I desire of wife and mother, those make me doubt who I am and who God has made me to be. I wonder, am I too much to deal with to not be chosen? On the different side of the same coin I wonder, am I not enough to be chosen? I begin to wonder, God have you heard my prayers the last 25 years? Have I done something (or not done something) that has caused you not to answer? Then I remember Abraham….

God promised Abraham and Sara a son and that promise was fulfilled 25 years later. In the midst of those 25 years, God did a lot in and through Abraham. He defeated kings, took care of his nephew Lot, acquired possessions, earned the respect of those he came in contact with and most importantly stayed faithful to God. Abraham lived. Even in times of doubt and trying to take matters into his own hands, Abraham stayed true to desiring to follow God.

I’ve learned to hold 2 positions at the same time: I can grieve the life I wanted and live the life I’m in. Some days the grief and sadness win out (especially when clicking another year on the age bracket), but I am not without hope. I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if God will answer my prayer, but I do know He is faithful to never leave or forsake me. When the enemy plants those seeds of doubt of me not being enough, God doesn’t love me, it’s too late for you, God reminds me that I am covered in Christ’s righteousness, God loves me to the point of giving up His Son for me, and God is the author of time and knows the end from the beginning. As I’m in the middle of the gap of my beginning and end, all I can do is be faithful to follow as best I can, and live the life He’s given me. So live I shall.