It’s been a long time since I’ve used this blog, but I was encouraged recently to dust it off so I’m going to channel those 8th grade editor in chief of the Woody Gazette skills.  If you missed my few posts from 2016-2018, I’ll quickly catch you up by saying I had quite a few trials during those years (biopsies, surgeries (yes plural), job change, car accident, broken heart, financial stress, etc.) 2019 was a tad bit better, but cue 2020! COVID-19 has changed what we all knew as normal. But the biggest trial for me was losing my mother. Through her illness and other trials I felt like I was holding my breath. I dared not to breathe, but rather I took a deep breath, put my head down and powered through to do all the tasks. Even at her death I felt I couldn’t stop and breathe because her last wishes and everyone else needed me.  As I thought I could take a breath, 2 students were murdered and I felt I needed to be there for my students. A couple of months of shelter in place and a dog later I exhaled. I felt my feelings, and as an ISFJ personality I had quite a few to feel!

Several things had me holding my breath, but the main root of them all was fear. Discovering that gave me the mindset to overcome and breathe hope. I needed to remind myself that God gave me a spirit of power, love and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7), and that when I seek Him, He will answer me and deliver me from all my fears (Psalm 34:4). It’s not a magic formula as hard days will still come. Just today I cried at work. Remembering this is the week my mom fell ill was shadowed by tasks and the frustration was overwhelming. I took my breath to get it all done, but in the midst God carried me through.

Back to fear, it lies that I’m not enough and not doing enough. It uses my trials and disappointments as receipts to my “failures”. And it lies that things are “fair” for everyone but me. Nothing on this earth is fair; including for Jesus, who came and faced a death He didn’t deserve,  for all who believe to receive a gift of eternal life that we don’t deserve. In light of that, I can breathe a little easier knowing I’m not the lies fear tells me, but rather a loved and accepted child of God.